You really like the idea of getting married, eh? You are planning like crazy, focused on the big day and very excited about spending the rest of your days with this guy? Well, we think you should call the whole thing off, right now. There are 8 reasons to call off a wedding (and more). So, we might be right. Read on...
(If you know a bride-to-be who you suspect may be getting married for any of these reasons, have a word and then forward this to her. She may well thank you later).
Really? You want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love with every part of your heart? Is that what you wanted when you dreamt about marriage as a young girl? For the biggest day of your life and the biggest decision of your life, be very sure! Yes, there may be pain in the short term and, depending on how far down the road you are, it could be significant mental anguish. But even that is insignificant compared to tying the knot with someone and making it "forever".
Of course, there's no "checklist" to follow that tells you whether you are in love, but just for the heck of it, here's how science might offer some clues. Even How Stuff Works has some theories on this!
But guess, what - only YOU know. Respect that.
In a simple and perfect world we hope - we really do - that this would be the end of that story and he'd be gone from your life. Any physical abuse tells you everything you need to know about "your guy". He probably says he will change his spots, it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he will never, ever do that again. But what would he have told you the day before he abused you - basically the same. And yet he did. Don't paper over the rest of your life for one wedding day. If he's abused you he has played his cards.
Here's something else to consider. He's abused you. That's a fact. Let's say you go forward with the wedding anyway - because you think he's changed. Just remember, though, that "stuff comes out". Someone, somewhere, friend or family, will likely find out and, depending on a number of factors, that sad discovery may no longer be quite the secret any more. Want to be defending someone who abused you? Forever. Think about that.
Get help, not married. Consider The National Domestic Abuse Hotline, to start.
Please respect yourself more than anyone else on the planet. By the way, can you tell we have some strong opinions on this one?
Are you shallow? Do you believe in true love? If money is a driving force then please step back and ask whether you want to marry some cash or the guy of your dreams. It could be that you have both - in which case you are a lucky camper! But just ask yourself this question - the money isn't the MAIN reason, right? For many, it's something to consider and rightly so (though there are those who would hold the line that true love cuts through any money worries). Just don't get married if the answer to that question is "Yes".
By the way, if you can't past the money aspect, then you might want to check out some of the potential financial disadvantages to getting married.
Yep, this works both ways. In these enlightened days, perhaps you are the majority breadwinner. That's just awesome and, although in the minority, it's a good thing that this is no longer a total rarity. Bring it on! But, coming back to that true love thing (see a trend here?), just ask that same question in reverse - he really, really loves you, yes? And he'd love you even if you didn't have those wads of cash falling out of your pocket? OK, perhaps a little black and white, but the sentiment is the same. Just be sure money isn't the sole reason.
Maybe a little more gray than the others and we'll admin that the degree of family pressure that will be acceptable will differ across individuals and cultures. But, as with the previous item, we are going to suggest you ask yourself the tough question about just how much a priority you are giving this. Do you sometimes lay awake at night wondering how you can shed this relenting family pressure, because you don't QUITE love him as much as they assume? Think about that. It's your life.
This one is easier. Get new friends! Good, true friends want you to marry the right guy on your own schedule, not the wrong guy quickly. OK, that's another simplification and many a true, close friend has pushed hard for a wedding made in heaven. So, maybe that "get new friends" thing is a little harsh! But the serious point is that your friends - your close, special friends - should always have your values, your interest and your heart in mind. If the push to marry is monolithic and simplistic and doesn't come with a bunch of questions about what YOU want, what drives YOU, how YOU feel about him - then perhaps that friend is not seeing the wood through the trees.
Pushing you to get married should never be a message from your friends if it isn't preceded by a bazzilion questions about what you want and why. Only then can the aforementioned "push" have relevance and good intentions behind it.
If any of these are THE reason then....no, no, no! These are not reasons to get married. Not on their own. These are reasons to put all your effort into finding great, close friends, making the most of every friendship you have, living life more by trying new things. These are tough things to tackle in anyone's life and there are no easy answers. But many people face these challenges, at various stages of life. The chance of a wedding is not the way to fix these things, at least as the sole change.
Loneliness is an often complex emotion. For many, there is an association with "being with someone" and that can often lead to the conclusion that being married is a solution to loneliness. Of course, there's no doubt that a strong marriage can have a profound impact on how lonely one might feel and, in many cases, finding someone special and committing to spend the rest of your life with that person could resolve so many emotional issues that the end result is, indeed, a "solution".
But be wary, too, that loneliness can be more profound and deep than that and can be caused by hidden emotions of you which you may not be aware. In some cases, a wedding can be a false dawn if the underlying reason for that emotional loneliness is not simply the lack of someone close. Before your wedding day, think about whether you can resolve loneliness while single.
Well, duh! If you find a way to stop that let us know - we could make a mint from that! But, slightly more seriously, we get it. Society today drives so many stereotypes into our lives and "the right time to marry" is one of those. Actually, people are getting married later these days - the late 20s is the sweet spot numerically. But as you reflect on that ask yourself whether you are so "compliant" and conformist that being like most other brides is important to you. That really, really should not be a major factor. You are you - unique and special. Who cares if you are late getting married (or early) according to some social norm?
Here's one way to look at this. It's pretty easy to find some well-considered points about why it's better to get married early. But it's also really quite easy to find equally compelling reasons to get married later. Note: same publisher, opposite perspectives! When you can so easily find well meaning but mutually exclusive statements about when to marry, maybe you need to look at this through a different lens.
Like many of the other factors here, this is one where you really need to step back and smell the roses! The only "right" time to get married is when it is right for both of you. That's all that matters.
So, don't get married. Got it? Great, move on with the rest of your life and be happy.
WedNet is wedding planning web site. We LOOOOOOVE to hear about happy couples getting married and enjoying such a special time of their lives together. And we hope you get married. We really do.
But if ANY of the factors above are relevant to you, then we suggest you stop, reflect and think this through, especially when the answers to these questions are not easy.
At WedNet, we are generally not into "celebrity weddings" - but if this story can shed some light then we are happy to make an exception. To quote...."I think my instinct and gut going into my marriage [knew] it would turn out the way it did". Don't make that mistake.
A lifetime is a long time. If any of these things relate to you as the main reason you are getting married then there's a good chance he's not the right guy. You probably know that in your heart. Listen to your heart. It knows, you know...
We hope none of these factors relate to you and wish you a beautiful and happy life together.